I feel so good about being back at work. Strangely good.
I need work. It is good for me. It’s healthy. I need to get out of the house and talk to people and wear clothing and wash my hair and face. Work forces me to use my brain and helps me stay focused on everything I need to do. The baby is such a vortex. All of my energy and focus goes right to her and the house and the part of me that makes me me slowly flutters away. I will not apologize for feeling this way. I believe I would feel worse if I worked far away from home but with this job, I get to spend quality time with my kids and be present in their lives and be their mother while also working and supporting us. It feels right and good to me. And to Nat as well.
I sobbed on Monday when we dropped her off, though. Oh, did I sob. Dramatic, ugly sobs. It was so hard to have her not in my arms and not around me. But then, after a pause, it felt okay –liberating even. And she seems very happy at daycare. She’s eating and sleeping and smiling and loves the other babies (or so they tell me).
As we were leaving the kids at daycare this morning, I thought about how lucky we are to to have them in such a safe, happy and loving environment. But then I remembered how much I’m pay to feel that way. Nat laughed when I told him that. What else can you do?