I’m still fat from the baby.

But at this point (four and a half months out), is the baby still to blame? Probably not.

Whenever I think of my midsection, this comes to mind:

I have no ab muscles left. I’m suffering from something called Diastasis Recti. I can fit a whole fist in where my ab muscles used to be. It’s horrifying. I always wonder if I really went for it when I’m feeling the muscle hole in my midsection, if I could touch my kidney or something. Give it a little poke.

Anyway, my abs are slowly growing back but in the meantime,  when I try to flex or tighten them, nothing is there. Nothing happens.  Abs have never been my strong suit (that goes to my legs) but I’m mourning them any way.

Luckily, when I got back to work, a new gym opened at the office. I hired a (very affordable!) trainer at 30 bucks a session. Most of what we do is suck my stomach in and out on a mat to try to establish some sort of core. Sit-ups, planks — all are too advanced when you have a blob fish for a midsection. It’s not even too advanced; it’s that when I try to do a plank, I feel like my insides are going to spill out of my body.  It isn’t a “feel the burn” sensation. It’s a, “Oh, there is something terribly, terribly incorrect with my body” feeling.

But! It’s good that I’m finally moving and stretching my body after a year or not doing much due to my terrible pregnancy. But bad that I look so awful and maternal and middle-aged.

It is slow going. But I see a little flicker of change.