Diary, August 29: Do I have Lupus?

During the day, I jot down little notes about things I should write about when I have time to actually sit down to write (at 8 p.m., once the kids go to sleep).

This was one of my notes:

“Do I have Lupus?”

Answer: No, I do not have Lupus. At least I don’t think so. But I wonder sometimes when I’m hungover because [*deep breaths*]  I can no longer drink.

This is hard to admit because drinking was such a part of my identity. It was always fun for me. I never got too crazy or blackout drunk or put myself in dangerous situations (in short, I never had a problem). But it was my way to cut loose. Have a good time. Laugh a little bit more readily.

If I let myself daydream about a “fun” night out (LOLz), it would be having drinks with my friends.

Now, I can have one or two drinks, at most. If I have more than that, I am a waste the next day. It upsets my stomach. It makes me so tired. My brain is slush. I’m not talking about downing tequila or gin and tonics or drinking from noon until midnight. I just mean three drinks and I’m done-zo. It’s gotten to the point where I practically forego drinking at all.

My children are my AA, it seems.

To be a parent to small children is like being an athlete. An athlete that is flabby and out of shape and tired and doesn’t do an actual sport. But, like an athlete, you need to be conditioned. You have to be at the top of your game. You have to be healthy. You don’t ever get a day off. And, most importantly to drinking, you cannot sleep in. 

One morning, when I couldn’t clear my head after having three glasses of wine, I moaned to Nat, “Should I go to the doctor? Make sure there is nothing wrong with me? I think it’s LUPUS.”

He laughed, “I’m pretty sure they are going to tell you that you are 36 and have two small children.”

Is that it? I guess it is. 

So, no, I don’t have LUPUS. I have children.

And, to be quite honest, you don’t need three glasses of wine. Although I will keep trying every now and again. Just to keep it real.

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