Alien: What is this thing called a ‘Cake Smash’?

Me: Well, it’s this thing where Moms (always the mom) purchase a small-yet-expensive custom-made cake for their 1-year-old’s birthday. They then put their baby with the cake in front of a specially-purchased back drop. Then a professional photographer takes photos of the baby eating the cake, sans utensils.

Alien: Is that it?

Me: Well, the babies should really be in a special costume if you’re going to do it right. Moms seem to prefer their baby boys to wear a tiny top-hat while moms of  baby girls tend to like tutus. 

Alien: Where does one get such an adorable top hat and such tiny suspenders?

Me: I have no idea but I’m guessing Amazon Prime.

Alien: Why do you do this?

Me: Because it’s funny?

Alien: Why wouldn’t you just photograph them eating cake in their highchair with your iPhone like a normal person?

Me: Because we want to show fellow moms we have money to burn? Also, to drive our husbands slightly crazy — but that’s only a working hypothesis of mine. 

Alien: Who cleans up the mess after the baby is done cake smashing?

Me: I do.

Alien: Isn’t that more work for you?

Me: Yes….

Alien: How much does this cost?

Me: All in? I’m guessing $500 or more.

Alien: That’s a lot of money for 5 minutes of entertainment and then 30 minutes of clean up.

Me: Yes.

Alien: Also, wouldn’t that money be better invested into their 529?

Me: Maybe.

Alien: Then why do you feel like you have to do this?

Me: I DON’T KNOW. I HATE EVERYONE.

Alien: Don’t be upset.

Me: I’m sorry.

Alien: You seem stressed.

Me: I’m stressed. Always.

Alien: Would you like to come with me to my home planet and get away from all of these crazy parental demands that your weird mommy culture places on you?

Me: Yes.

Alien: Great. Let’s go.

Me: Well, wait. Just one question before we go: On your planet, do you have a thing where you photograph your baby every month with a little sign telling everyone on social media how many months old they are?

Alien: Of course. Who do you think we are? Monsters?

Me: [SIGH]