Alien: What is this thing called a ‘Cake Smash’?
Me: Well, it’s this thing where Moms (always the mom) purchase a small-yet-expensive custom-made cake for their 1-year-old’s birthday. They then put their baby with the cake in front of a specially-purchased back drop. Then a professional photographer takes photos of the baby eating the cake, sans utensils.
Alien: Is that it?
Me: Well, the babies should really be in a special costume if you’re going to do it right. Moms seem to prefer their baby boys to wear a tiny top-hat while moms of baby girls tend to like tutus.
Alien: Where does one get such an adorable top hat and such tiny suspenders?
Me: I have no idea but I’m guessing Amazon Prime.
Alien: Why do you do this?
Me: Because it’s funny?
Alien: Why wouldn’t you just photograph them eating cake in their highchair with your iPhone like a normal person?
Me: Because we want to show fellow moms we have money to burn? Also, to drive our husbands slightly crazy — but that’s only a working hypothesis of mine.
Alien: Who cleans up the mess after the baby is done cake smashing?
Me: I do.
Alien: Isn’t that more work for you?
Alien: How much does this cost?
Me: All in? I’m guessing $500 or more.
Alien: That’s a lot of money for 5 minutes of entertainment and then 30 minutes of clean up.
Alien: Also, wouldn’t that money be better invested into their 529?
Alien: Then why do you feel like you have to do this?
Me: I DON’T KNOW. I HATE EVERYONE.
Alien: Don’t be upset.
Me: I’m sorry.
Alien: You seem stressed.
Me: I’m stressed. Always.
Alien: Would you like to come with me to my home planet and get away from all of these crazy parental demands that your weird mommy culture places on you?
Alien: Great. Let’s go.
Me: Well, wait. Just one question before we go: On your planet, do you have a thing where you photograph your baby every month with a little sign telling everyone on social media how many months old they are?
Alien: Of course. Who do you think we are? Monsters?