Diary, May 15: So very tired

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Hello. It’s me. Dorothy.

I need to write something because it’s been awhile since I’ve last written but I am SO TIRED all I want to do is go to bed.

But if I put off writing because I’m tired, I’ll never write because I’m Always. Tired.

We went to DC this weekend for my sister-in-law’s 40th and it was so fun but so exhausting. We love her so much and I would go to the ends of the earth for her and her husband with two children strapped on my back just to prove my love and admiration for her but I feel like I can say that I would do anything for her while also writing about how traveling with two small kids is no picnic.

No sirree.

Both of the kids spent tonight having a total and utter breakdowns because they were so tired after not hitting their bedtimes for three nights.

This was Sam, tonight. He was sobbing (which is so unlike him): “I DON’T LIKE THE DRAWING ON THIS KITE I JUST MADE.

Me: Okay, let’s make another kite [It should be known this kite was just two pieces of paper taped together with a string I found in the junk drawer].

Sam: BUT IT WILL TAKE TOO LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Me: Okay, let’s draw over it.

Sam: BUT THEN IT WILL BE MESSY. I DON’T WANT TO RUN WITH IT AND LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER AND SEE A DRAWING I DON’T LIKE. wwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

Then we finally fed him and he was better.

I’ve finally figured out that the secret to parenting happy kids is making sure they get enough sleep and enough food. It’s basically 90% of the game. You have to hit their bedtimes. You have to hit their meal times. If not, IT’S THE END OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.

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Meanwhile, during Sam’s breakdown, the baby is SCREAMING upstairs because she was overly tired and didn’t eat any dinner and was in a state. She is also breaking out of all of her sleep sacks because she’s a giant and she can’t figure out it’s BEDTIME without a sleep sack.

TONIGHT WAS HARD.

Nat, when we finally collapsed on the couch: “I like when the kids vocalize my internal feelings about things.”

I would very much like to do things with my life besides work and my family. I would like to go out or go to parties or write more or go to yoga or take my kids to other cities to experience other worlds but they are just too little. Little children can’t “go with the flow.” They can’t “hang.” Which is hard for me, because those are the two traits I like most in people and it’s something I like most about myself.

I just want to be easy going while also being a parent. Is that too much to ask?

The answer is: “Yes.” Yes, it’s too much to ask. It’s impossible.

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I can’t even accept an invitation to do something if I’ve already booked ONE THING outside of work / kids during the week. Because I would be too tired. Because I would feel like I’m breaking. And it’s just easier to feel like a lame-o shut in who does nothing than it is to be exhausted.

[Total non-sequitur, but I’m writing this while watching I Love Dick and I’m almost embarrassed by how much sex is currently happening on the television. Also, the baby is back to screaming.]

Anyway, I know this isn’t forever. But I worry that once our kids can travel with ease, I’ll be OFFICIALLY old (instead of just feeling like it), and then what? WHAT HAPPENS THEN???

(Don’t answer that. I fear what you’re about to say.)

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