Things I was looking forward to this summer with my kids but now I’m not because of CERTAIN DEATH:

1. Being outside. But only if you will enjoy watching your kid DIE. 
2. Cute sandals. So fun! That is, until your kid CHOKES to death.
3. Being at the pool. Great! Until they die days later from SECONDARY DROWNING.
4. Grilling outside. Except: CANCER.
5. Not getting cancer, even if they eat HOT DOGS. NOPE, sorry. (Also, why are you feeding your child hot dogs? They are right up there with shoes as a TOP CHOKING HAZARD. Do you not read the Internet? What kind of mother are you?)
6. Protecting them from getting sunburn. JUST KIDDING, YOU MONSTER. 

In conclusion: The only way to protect our children this summer is to keep them inside, watching TV. It’s the only way.