Things I was looking forward to this summer with my kids but now I’m not because of CERTAIN DEATH:
- Being outside. But only if you will enjoy watching your kid DIE.
- Cute sandals. So fun! That is, until your kid CHOKES to death.
- Being at the pool. Great! Until they die days later from SECONDARY DROWNING.
- Grilling outside. Except: CANCER.
- Not getting cancer, even if they eat HOT DOGS. NOPE, sorry. (Also, why are you feeding your child hot dogs? They are right up there with shoes as a TOP CHOKING HAZARD. Do you not read the Internet? What kind of mother are you?)
- Protecting them from getting sunburn. JUST KIDDING, YOU MONSTER.
In conclusion: The only way to protect our children this summer is to keep them inside, watching TV. It’s the only way.