I recently took a selfie and looked at it and felt very badly about the color of my teeth.
“Oi,” I said to myself, like the aging British punk rocker I pretend to be (but maybe my brain meant, “Oy,” like the aging Jewish grandmother* I practically am).
Anyway! My brain had an exclamation of some sort, but not in a “Damn, you look good” kind of way (and those exclamations are few and far between, these days. *sad trombone*).
My teeth were dingy and yellow. And I immediately felt bad and self-conscious. Of course, there are things you can to change the color of your teeth but then I felt, like I always do about tackling something new, exhausted by the prospect of undertaking another step to my super complex beauty ritual.**
I feel, in my heart of hearts, two things regarding beauty 1. Manicures aren’t worth the time and effort.*** 2. Crest White Strips are some bullshit.
My Crest White Strips saga: 1. Find the ones from your wedding in 2010 in your messy bathroom closet. 2. Figure out which one is for the top or bottom teeth; feel immediately overwhelmed. 3. Put them on and lie in bed while your gums hurt. 4. Get the energy to get up OUT of bed. 5. Proceed to your overflowing trash can. 6. Peel them off. 7. Attempt to throw them in the trash. 8. Because they stick to your fingers and won’t come off, you then flick them off because you are tired and cranky and have ugly teeth. 10. The used White Strip sticks to the wall above the trash can. 11. It dries and stays there for the next year or two.
You then have to go through this for five days or whatever to get results when, in fact, you forget you are even attempting to whiten your teeth by night two.
Anywho, I saw a random tweet the other day from Alana Massey who I do not know IRL (speaking of which, do I really know anyone IRL? Truly? #deepthoughts) but it caught my attention.
Because she specifically stated she was not on the payroll, this made me feel like it was legit. Because I’ve worked in media, I know how beauty write-ups work. 1. Reporter gets free beauty item and/or invited to swank party where PR people push you to write something. 2. Reporter then writes something.
Therefore, I trust zero reviews on anything. Even the reviews on Sephora; I feel like they are paid placements from the beauty companies. (Some liberals are suspicious about Russia, some Right Wingers are suspicious about Comet Ping Pong and then there’s me: Deeply paranoid about beauty reviews.)
So, because I have an Amazon app and spend all of my money freely on it at all times, I picked it up.
Here’s what you do. You dip a wet toothbrush (I bought the special “Charcoal” ones from Amazon as I am nothing if not a sucker) in the powder, brush your teeth for a minute or two, rinse, and then brush your teeth like usual.
I showed Nat.
Nat: Wow! They are whiter!
Me: I know!
Nat: And that’s just one application?!
Nat: We sound like we’re starring in some a terrible infomercial!
Here is the photographic evidence (please don’t stare too long. Looking a photos of teeth for longer than a few seconds is the stuff nightmares are made of.)
So, there you go. Here is my first (and probably last) beauty review on this here blog. Now, you will feel confident and happy the next time you are at a selfie rave or whatever it is young people do these days.
*Not remotely Jewish but I am deeply anxious about Sam’s Ivy League chances and if Kit is going to get married or not. And, like a grandmother, I also make jokes about “selfie raves.” I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.
**Every time I get a manicure: 1. Get manicure. 2. Think they are dry. 3. Stick my hand in my bag. 4 Manicure instantly ruined. 5. Suffer a deep depression for the next week when I look at my hand. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
**Super complex beauty ritual: Wash face brush teeth, maybe have the energy to brush hair, smear some sort of moisturizer on my face, fall immediately to sleep at 9 p.m. while scrolling through Instagram.