IUD tttttiiiimmmmeeee

I stole this photo off of the internet.

I wrote about my weight loss last week and mentioned I got an IUD and I got a lot of questions from readers about my IUD which is weird because I’m not a doctor and I thought everyone knew about IUDs? But they don’t! Maybe it’s because women who are lucky enough to have health insurance only have 15 minutes a year to talk to their doctor about birth control and maybe it doesn’t come up. Or if it does come up, maybe  it’s too confusing. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe they don’t have a friend with one. Maybe they like their pills and are used to them.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I got an IUD because after my second baby, my OBGYN  said, “You should get an IUD.” And I said, “Sure.”

As the Executive Director President Overlord Ph,D of my family, I am so very tired of making decisions for literally everything. So, it’s nice when someone else decides something for you.

Jesus take the wheel and all that.

I didn’t have a lot of questions about it because I have a few friends on them and they liked them so I wasn’t a hard sell. And it was free. And I liked that I would never have to think about it … ever. I can barely pick up my kid’s fluoride tablets from CVS every month; how would I find the time to pick up a packet of pills? And then take those pills? EVERY DAY?  I could do that when I was single but with two kids and a job? Too much.

So, I got the Mirena IUD two years ago. I had to do some kind of insurance thing where I called someone and they mailed it to my doctor and I had to make another appointment to go back and get it “implanted.” (I have a dream! A dream where women who want long-acting birth control can just walk into their doctor’s office and get it! And maybe not even their doctor’s office — a local CVS or Walgreens! The DMV! Target!  Some dude’s garage! We’re not particular! Just don’t make us schedule a follow up appointment!)

But anyway, it was free and they mailed it and it took exactly 10 seconds to put it in.

And it hurt like a mother-you-know-what.

Oh God. It hurt. It hurt so much.

And when I wobbled over to the receptionist desk to check out, she looked at me over her glasses and said dryly, “Next time, honey, we come back as men.”

To be quite honest, I didn’t think I would be able to drive home. The cramping was bad. (Did I mention it hurt? And after all the pain from childbirth, I was mad that I was yet again in pain in my lady bits. They have had enough trauma to last a lifetime, poor dears.)

But I got home, popped some Advil, went to bed and the next morning I was fine. Just fine.

And then I never thought about it again.

I haven’t had an unexpected pregnancy (win!). Because it’s a steady stream of hormones, I never feel ragey or get PMS. In fact, I think it’s made me feel so much better and calmer because there are no hormonal fluctuations. My skin has gotten better and clearer. I’ve lost weight. I never get my period. Which, I guess, some women think is weird but I’m all for being closer to living life as a man. Maybe we don’t have to wish to come back as men, but maybe there are things we can do now to get closer to how they live their monthly-cycle-less lives. 

I wish I had gone down the IUD yellow brick road years and years ago.

I will say here I’ve had friends who also got it and they didn’t love it and had it taken out. Sadly, there isn’t One Size Fits All for birth control and that’s a bummer. And a problem. Hormones are a fickle beast. But maybe this will also help you?

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