I drink a lot — and I mean a lot — of seltzer.

I’m not the only one. All of my mom friends slam seltzer big time.

In an e-mail with a group of friends about a weekend group getaway we’re taking, I (somewhat) jokingly asked if 13 cases of seltzer would be enough for the weekend. And my friend’s husband said we should probably get more as his wife’s “body weight is 64% carbon dioxide bubbles.”

Moms in the ’50s had Mother’s Little Helpers.

Moms in the 2018’s have cans and cans of seltzer we drink with the thirst of a dehydrated mule.

If I were still a journalist, I would like to write an article about how seltzers have taken such a hold with middle-aged women (and women who will soon become middle-aged women).

What did I drink in my 20s? Was I simply dying of thirst the entire time and didn’t realize it? How did I occupy my mouth / hands? How has it become such a thing?

Dorothy before 2016: Never drank seltzer.

Dorothy after 2016: Drinks several gallons of seltzer a week without blinking an eye.

I’m not the only one:

Before having kids, I would say the great joys of my life revolved around the following: Traveling! Meeting new and interesting people! Writing! Taking classes! Exercising! Going to concerts! Trying new restaurants! Sleeping! Showering! 

Now, the great joy of my life is sampling new seltzers I find in Trader Joe’s.

I’m not mad about it. If we’re being perfectly honest, it’s been an interesting development in my life.

But as someone who is interested in marketing and consumerism and why things take hold, I’m fascinated by how seltzer has taken over. Sure, we’re all looking to limit our calories but to the extent that I’ll drink five cans of the stuff over the course of a day without blinking an eye? Maybe it’s that drinking seltzer has replaced snacking? For instance: At 3 p.m., I’m feeling bored and restless and instead of a snack, I’ll just crack open a new seltzer to feel some inkling of happiness. 

I pee A LOT. (Maybe seltzer has become the Mom drug of choice because the more of the stuff we drink, the more we get to have 4 minutes in the bathroom away from our children? File under: Working theory.)

Anyway, I feel like it would be weird if I wrote 400 words on my love of seltzer without telling you what I like. So here you go. I’m sure you’ve drank them all too. It’s nothing new.

1. Polar Seltzer’ade, preferably the mango flavor. I agree with Real Simple when they say the taste is “stronger, brighter, and less artificial tasting than that of La Croix.” Polar is the GOAT of seltzers. Don’t fight me on this.
2. La Croix. Although Polar is better tasting that La Croix, it’s still my first love and hard to go wrong. P
3. Trader Joe’s Seltzers with a Splash. These are basically seltzer with a little fruit juice mixed in. The ginger variety, I use for cocktails. Then I mainline the Cranberry and Lime Juice option for day drinking.
4. Spindrift. This is a bit too tart (and expensive) for my tastes considering the extent of my consumption but I’ll  buy it and drink it anyway. Because if you can’t tell, I love seltzer and it’s one of my main reasons for living.